Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Hi.

I know that you ladies are fabulous and intelligent and clever. I feel as though I must say this.

Someone I know very well is going through a bitter divorce right now. This woman has been with this man for 20 years. She has always been financially dependent on her husband. It has been a horrible marriage but she never left because she could not afford to. Now she has no choice because he is pretty much kicking her out. Now where is she living with her sister. A 50 year old woman who has been working with nothing to show for it.

I know we love our men, but please let's be realistic anything can happen- Please be prepared.
Start investing, start saving on your OWN.

This whole situtation is scaring the heck out of me.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

You are right, we should always have our own money, own bank account, I agree 100%

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

This is such a double edged sword.

I think if you make special arrangements 'just in case' thats not the right attitude to have in any relationship.

At the same time, you have to protect yourself from scum.

Right now, all of my investments are joint with my husband. I would not be okay with him having his own stuff (except for a little checking account for odds and ends) so I cant exactly use a double standard for myself. I know Im entitled to a % of that if we were to divorce...so I guess that is good enough for me.

Maybe not the ideal situation but i dont know what is.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

From day one my mother always told me never lose your ability to provide for yourself even when you are married. I personally saw that happen to a friend and she was so bad because he drove her to work for 10 years so when he left she could not even do that. I am not saying you should have $10,000 stashed away, but enough to get you on your feet.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

So do I!

Aside from this situation (and to your friend), when my father passed away my mother basically had to start over with her credit ratings, her history was over 20 years old.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

we just had this discussion at pre-cana last week. bob and i knew we would always keep a little bit separate and as a CPA i can not stress enough that women need to keep at least one credit card in their own name. too many women become co-signers on their husbands' cards - that does nothing to build their own credit history. god forbid the marriage breaks up, or worse someone gets sick, a woman needs to have her own well-established credit history.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Stef, I see your point, but we have to be realistic and not to sound morbid, but it is not only divorce we have to worry about- (death)

It may not be the best attitude, but as I said anything can happen.

Fh and I will have joint accounts/investments when we marry, but we will also have our own. I do not see anything wrong with that.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Please take it from someone who knows. Women should absolutely positively make sure that they have financial resources of their own. I am not talking about secret bank accounts, but definately credit cards, retirement accounts and something put away for emergencies. I was married for 18 years in my first marriage and by the time I left my ex he had put us into such a huge hole financially that it took me several years to climb out. In spite of the fact that I was working 2 jobs (he wasn't working at all he decided he didn't want to work anymore ) we were $20,000 in credit card debt (all his by the way), our house was in foreclosure and I was hiding my car to keep it from being repossessed (which it was anyway). I had to start all over again from scratch (without him of course) and it wasn't easy. Not only did I have to pay off the credit cards because they were joint accounts, but no one would give me anything. The only credit card I could get was a secured card with at $250 credit limit . This time around I have my cards and DH has his and we have 2 that are joint. We each have our own bank account as well as a joint account for house bills etc. I know exactly where we stand financially, I make sure I see all the joint bills, my car is in my name only, etc etc. DH is okay with this and thinks it's makes sense. So do I.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Thank you Wendy!!!! I am glad you made it out of that hole!!!!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I think there is a difference between being financially independent and having money in the bank.

Case in point - I may not have much of my 'own' money, but I am 100% financially independent b/c I can support myself without the help of others.

I think thats why I could never be a SAHM...i would be too stressed about not making my own money. That is a big hangup of mine.

I think the situation is a lot more complicated for SAHM. How do you stay financially viable without working? How do put a little aside without getting it directly from husband? Maybe the SAHMs can shed some light.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

My $.02:

Both partners should know what is going on financially. I know a couple where the wife literally hands over her paycheck to the husband and she has no idea about their finances. He gives her cash each week and she buys clothes and gifts on a credit card, which he pays. I think it's important that even if oneperson has the responsibility for actually paying the bills, that both SEE the bills, the investments, and BOTH make JOINT decisions on how to save, how to invest, etc. Women should always know where their money is, and not leave it all up to the man in the relationship.

Women should keep a credit card in their own name so they always have their own good credit rating.

Women should take advantage of all the retirement savings they can by putting away a certain percentage of their salary every month for retirement. I don't htink it's wise for women to rely on their husband's retirement benefits alone.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

For me, too, being a SAHM would be difficult because I would not be comfortable about not making $. I think I would have to work at least part-time to keep some financial independence.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

OK , so for someone like me, who is getting married in 2 months, what would be the most reasonable thing for me to do? There is no way my FH will agree that I should have a seperate checking account. I thought when you get married, automatically your credit scores etc are combined? How do I keep a credit card or 2 on my own? I'm confused....

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Future- just keep your credit card that you have already.

As for credit scores I do not know if they are combined.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I must agree, a woman should absolutely be financially independent whether it means money in the bank, her own career, whatever.

I who worked at the bank for 8 years, have seen and heard more horror stories than you can imagine from once loving couples so in love and invincible.
It's horrible what life and circumstances can do to a relationship. And turn ppl into monsters too.

I have my separate accounts, a few of them, not b/c I don't trust my hubby and think we will divorce, but b/c it maintains my independence, and God forbid anything should happen to my relationship or to my hubby, I have my own.
I'm not waiting around for life insurance to kick in or bank policies.
I work, and always will.
If after a while I am blessed enough to have children, the most I will do is stop working fulltime, and change to part time, but I will not stop working alltogether. JMO on what works for ME

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Future, you have credit cards now, right? SO, just keep them as they are, don't replace them all with the ones that will have yours AND your DH's name on them! That's what I did!

This is a very good thread, btw! I can't understand the women who totally rely on their DH financially! It’s so scary and uncomfortable! I have some friends who don’t even bother to look at the bills, (even though both of them bring home the money) and let the guy deal with finances! Also, it’s unfair to the husband! We are supposed to be partners!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Keep the responses coming.

I love to create threads on serious issues that should be addressed.

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

I agree, too! My DH and I each have a separate account, and then we have a joint account. My paycheck is directly deposited into MY personal account, same for him. We put what we can into the joint account, for bills or whatever. We each also have a retirement fund, although his is huge and mine just got started a year ago, so it's very small. Basically, all the money is OUR money. But the difference is that I have 100% control over the money that's 'mine.' I hope that makes sense....

We are doing this for many reasons. One is because I want to maintain a sense of self, of independence, of not having to 'ask' my husband for money, or account for every penny that leaves the bank. I would feel like a little girl asking Daddy for ice cream money.

I'm also keeping my OWN credit cards, and have no intention of having joint cards at all. My credit is spotless. My husband has a tendency to make late payments, and is more of a spender than me. I don't want my name on any of that.

Does this mean we don't have faith in our love or our marriage? No way! But we're being realistic. You can be optimistic and positive, while maintaining a sense of reality.

We know how many couples fight over money. It's one of the real hot spots between a couple. By maintaining more separateness financially, we hope to avoid a lot of the money conflicts that arise when every penny goes into the same pool.

Naturally, we give and take as the joint account needs. But at least if I want to buy a pair of shoes or clothes, or a surprise gift for DH, I don't have to account for it.

My mother said the hardest thing she ever did was give up her financial independence. She stopped working after her first child, and never worked again. She used to write out the bills and handle all of the financial stuff, but after the kids came, she had too much to do and turned the money stuff over to my Dad. She lost complete control of all the bank accounts and financial matters within the marriage. She's still married to my dad, but now she's been out of the loop for so long, she can barely work an ATM, and my dad has to go to the bank and get her money for groceries. UGH!! That's demeaning in my opinion. No WAY is that going to happen to me.

If you aren't going to keep a separate little account for a rainy day, at LEAST make sure you don't take your hand off the money altogether. Stay in the loop!

Karen

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

Bravo Karen!!!!!!!!!

Re: Ladies- make sure you are financially independent....

From the time that I was a little girl, my mother (who is still happily married to my father) always stressed the importance of being an independent woman, especially financially. Not because she thought we would someday end up divorced, but because she felt that we should have our financial independence to help us feel equal in decision making, etc with whomever we chose to marry. I thank god that she pushed us to strive for independence because I know that no matter what, I can not only take care of myself if I need to, but I can take care of FH and our future family if ever need be. Just my two cents.