PLEASE PROOFREAD

As Alissa & Shawn begin their journey as Mr. & Mrs.
they surely could use your advice, blessings, and well wishes
So please share with them your wisdom of marriage, love, and life--
How to be a loving husband and a top notch wife
Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these to remember that you came!


Does this sound okay? SP?

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

Its sounds good to me!

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

put his name first, then your name because it says mr. and mrs. (not mrs. and mr)

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

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Posted by slyman1101

put his name first, then your name because it says mr. and mrs. (not mrs. and mr)

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Yes, and capitalize the 't' in They since it begins a new line. All the lines are started with a capital letter except for that one.

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

thanks girls!

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

so cute! I agree to switch the names b/c Mr. is first. Also, is there a hyphen between top and notch (ie. top-notch)? I'm not 100% sure but I would probably spell it w/ a hyphen

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

i love it!!

but i think maybe the last line might sound better if it had a few extra syllables

like...they'll use these to remember blank blank blank and that you came

...that could just be my weirdness with beats in anything with rhymes, though.

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

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Posted by xxpazzaxx

As Alissa & Shawn begin their journey as Mr. & Mrs.
they surely could use your advice, blessings, and well wishes
So please share with them your wisdom of marriage, love, and life--
How to be a loving husband and a top notch wife
Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these to remember that you came!


Does this sound okay? SP?

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I agree with swapping the names so it makes more sense with the Mr. & Mrs.

I would take out the word 'surely' or perhaps change the line to 'they would love your advice, blessings, and well wishes' -- people don't really use the word surely like that and it sounds a little contrived. You don't need the extra beat in the poem anyway.

I would take out the word 'so' on the next line, as well as the dashes at the end of it.

For the last two lines... how about:

'Write your thoughts, share a story, just a name -- a few words /
It will mean so much to the darling love birds!'

Ok, that could be a little lame, but I feel like the word 'came' sounds funny just hanging there like that.

I'm being totally hypercritical because you asked us to proofread -- it is also very nice the way it is, and what a lovely sentiment and idea for your wedding!! If you don't change a thing, people will still know what to do and find it charming, so don't feel like you have to listen to me in the least!

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

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Posted by xxpazzaxx


Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these to remember that you came!


Does this sound okay? SP?

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I agree with the last line needing a few more syllables.
How bout...


Write your thoughts, drop a line, or simply sign your name
They'll use these tokens to remember that you came!

Re: PLEASE PROOFREAD

I think it sounds really cute!!