Need ex advice!!! *UPDATED*

I just found out my ex's grandmother passed away yesterday and the wake is tomorrow.

I was VERY close with his family, especially his mom. She was the one to tell me about her mom's death and the wake information. The ex and I officially broke up 11-12 years ago with a few "interludes" as recent as 5 years ago (right before FH and I started dating). But I've ALWAYS be close with his mom. We email back and forth and she is even invited to the wedding.

The thing is I really feel I should go to the wake and pay my respects. I think it's important. The problem is my ex will definitely be there and I don't want to make him uncomfortable since it is his grandmother. I dont know what to do?

Part of me thinks I'm be the last thing on his mind tomorrow, and that he will be comforted by his g/f and family.

I also don't want to make my FH uncomfortable.

Message edited 9/7/2008 7:37:34 PM.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

If you still have a normal relationship with his family (mom) I would go. He might be happy to see that you respected his grandma and wanted to say good bye. I would just not make it a point to be around your ex-

Re: Need ex advice!!!

I think it really depends on the terms of your break-up. If you broke up on good terms, I think it would be OK. If he still has feelings for you, or is angry with you, it might not be appropriate. You can always send a card/flowers/ etc, and visit his mom after the wake. That is really the time that grieving people need the most support -- when the wake or shiva period is over, and nobody is coming over anymore.
Sorry to hear about the loss.
P.S. Is FH OK with you going?

Re: Need ex advice!!!

If you still speak with his mom regularly I would go. You can pay your respects and leave. But I personally would go. I am sure FH will understand and it's not like you are going to spend the day with you ex. Good Luck. I am sure this is a tough one for you

Re: Need ex advice!!!

Honestly out of respect for your ex and your fh, you shouldn't go. If you and your ex had developed a good friendship then by all means that would be fine. In this case, you talk to his mom, not him.

Maybe send a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card
You can pay a special visit to his mom another day. Maybe take her to breakfast or dinner, make it more one on one

Message edited 9/7/2008 9:52:33 AM.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

I had an ex at my fathers funeral, and it was really nice. Nobody resented his presence, it was really classy of him.
Remember in SATC when Steve showed up for Miranda's mothers funeral in Philly even though they were broken up?

Re: Need ex advice!!!

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Posted by MsPotterhead

I think it really depends on the terms of your break-up. If you broke up on good terms, I think it would be OK. If he still has feelings for you, or is angry with you, it might not be appropriate. You can always send a card/flowers/ etc, and visit his mom after the wake. That is really the time that grieving people need the most support -- when the wake or shiva period is over, and nobody is coming over anymore.
Sorry to hear about the loss.
P.S. Is FH OK with you going?

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Re: Need ex advice!!!

I would just send a beautiful Plant/flowers or fruit basket.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

I think it doesn't matter if you still talked to her. You two shared a bond back then and I think you should go to pay your respects.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

without a doubt you should go.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

Thank you all ladies.


FH is now going for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so the wake has to take a second seat. FH comes first.

I wrote my ex's mom the following email.


Dear Barbara,

I just wanted to send you my condolences. I greatly admired and adored your mom. She was an incredible woman. Plus, she got me to eat tuna casserole which I now love. LOL.

I would really like to pay my respects tomorrow however I don't want to make Chris or Lauren uncomfortable, they have to deal with enough at the moment. On the same hand, Thomas is having a colonoscopy tomorrow so I'd feel guilty leaving him alone for a few hours.

I would like to offer my assistance with anything you may need. I am sure you have an amazing support system in place already but I am always here for you.

You are all in my prayers, more so than usual.
I love you very much.
Tina

Message edited 9/7/2008 12:14:40 PM.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

there is nothing wrong with paying your respects, so i would just go.

HOnestly you and your ex have been broken up for a long time. He might not be effected at all by seeing you there. Not only that but its a funeral and he has other things on his mind and nobody else is really going to pay attention to this either. Its not like its a wedding or a fun social event where they will gossip. Most people will just think it was real nice of you to come and show your respects.

hope this doesnt get confusing but when i was with my ex, a family member died and his ex gf came to the wake, i thought it was nice of her to come and really wasnt a problem at all.

same thing now, if this happens with dh and somebody close to him dies. If an ex or anybody showed up then i would be fine with that IF i knew this person was close to the family.

And if a family member of mine passed away, to be honest with you, the last thing i am going to even think about or worry about is any ex's or anyone there. Even if someone i didnt like showed up, i would just let it go for that moment and wont effect me at all.

Message edited 9/7/2008 12:32:03 PM.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

i think you should go. it's the right thing to do. you only get this one chance to give his grandma the "send off" she deserves and if you don't go...you may regret it in the future. maybe you can tell his mom you will be there so she can pass the info to the ex so he can be prepared for it... (just in case he's got an insecure gf) but i def think you should be there and his mom will appreciate your continued support.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

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Posted by BklynBride2Be

Thank you all ladies.


FH is now going for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so the wake has to take a second seat. FH comes first.

I wrote my ex's mom the following email.


Dear Barbara,

I just wanted to send you my condolences. I greatly admired and adored your mom. She was an incredible woman. Plus, she got me to eat tuna casserole which I now love. LOL.

I would really like to pay my respects tomorrow however I don't want to make Chris or Lauren uncomfortable, they have to deal with enough at the moment. On the same hand, Thomas is having a colonoscopy tomorrow so I'd feel guilty leaving him alone for a few hours.

I would like to offer my assistance with anything you may need. I am sure you have an amazing support system in place already but I am always here for you.

You are all in my prayers, more so than usual.
I love you very much.
Tina

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Re: Need ex advice!!!

thanks darling

Re: Need ex advice!!!

ATtend during the evening service, not the first afternoon one and judt do not stay too long. Pay your respects, see your ex's mom and leave to avoid what if anything would make your fiance or ex uncomfortable.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

Since his mom told you about the death go, but just bring a mass card go pay your respects to everyone and leave. There is no need for you to stay as long as you made an appearance.
It will save you and your ex from being uncomfortable.

Re: Need ex advice!!!

**** UPDATED ****

They extended the wake to Tuesday, so I am going on Tuesday afternoon.

I wasn't going to go at all but his mom wrote me back with this, so how could I not.

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well it is also on Tuesday, so you may come if you are able...

do not worry about chris and lauren ...they are in Cancun trying to get home as we speak..

so chris will be here tonight and Lauren tomorrow but we are all adults and respect each others lives.

i love you too and wish to see you...
you are always welcome....
Barbara

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Re: Need ex advice!!! *UPDATED*

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Posted by BklynBride2Be

**** UPDATED ****

They extended the wake to Tuesday, so I am going on Tuesday afternoon.

I wasn't going to go at all but his mom wrote me back with this, so how could I not.

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well it is also on Tuesday, so you may come if you are able...

do not worry about chris and lauren ...they are in Cancun trying to get home as we speak..

so chris will be here tonight and Lauren tomorrow but we are all adults and respect each others lives.

i love you too and wish to see you...
you are always welcome....
Barbara

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Thanks ladies for your advice.

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Re: Need ex advice!!! *UPDATED*

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Posted by BklynBride2Be

Thank you all ladies.


FH is now going for a colonoscopy tomorrow, so the wake has to take a second seat. FH comes first.

I wrote my ex's mom the following email.


Dear Barbara,

I just wanted to send you my condolences. I greatly admired and adored your mom. She was an incredible woman. Plus, she got me to eat tuna casserole which I now love. LOL.

I would really like to pay my respects tomorrow however I don't want to make Chris or Lauren uncomfortable, they have to deal with enough at the moment. On the same hand, Thomas is having a colonoscopy tomorrow so I'd feel guilty leaving him alone for a few hours.

I would like to offer my assistance with anything you may need. I am sure you have an amazing support system in place already but I am always here for you.

You are all in my prayers, more so than usual.
I love you very much.
Tina

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