1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

What would be the one thing that would cause you to get a divorce. I know a lot of people might not want to talk about this, but it is reality. The divorce rate is high and I want to hear your opinions on this.

Hubby and I discussed this, and we agreeded that the one thing that would let us get a divorce, would be infidelity. I know people say you never know until you are in the situation. I know me and I know I could not go on in a relationship with someone that cheated on me.

I think some of the reasons for divorce are:
Sex
Money
Infidelity

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Abuse...

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Thats the big one for us Shamma. Neither I or Harry would be able to forgive and forget and that would be the end of our marriage! But I am confident that we will never get to that point!

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

I definatly think cheating, and abuse, money is different though, for us, it would never be because lack of money, we are going through that now and we are tighter than ever, so there for one another.. maybe too much money..i can see that as a problem..

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

I forgot about abuse, yes that I will have to agree on. When hubby and I was discussing this, I said to him, if there ever comes a point when I no longer do it for you, I would prefer if you told me, than for you to step out on me. I would forgive you, maybe not immediately but I would never forget.

I am the only married person in my group of friends and they say that I am not realistic, b/c I am asking a man to tell me he no longer wants me sexually. I would tell my hubby if I no longer wanted to be with him.

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

I think infidelity is the most common.

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

different opinion here

i would not get a divorce for anything - just don't believe in it

i'm really really lucky to be from a solid stable backgroud noone in my imediate family or dhs family has ever been divorced

we also have happily married siblings

yes i know were not the norm

but specifically regarding infidelity - of course noone wants it to happen to them but its clear representation that a problem that hasnt been addressed exists in the marriage - counseling and working thru it can sometimes make the marriage stronger

i wouldnt give up so much love and years spent w/a husband for that

and hmmm cant think of one reason why too much money would be a problem

id use it to have a better house, better future, more fun...

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

My answer is pretty long (sorry) but I think the question is very complex and there really is no clear cut answer.
I do not think that most people divorce because of abuse-related issues. While abuse is all-too common, most women who are in abusive relationships take a long time to get the strength and corage to leave the relationship. And since most abusers are good at manipulating the women think it is mostly their fault or think that they do not have the skills to live without those men.
While I know that infediltity is a huge problem and does happen I don't believe most marriages end over it because I don't believe that most 'offenders' get caught or admit to it. There are a lot of 'what I don't know doesn't hurt me' people out there. And many people try to work it out if there are children involved. I know a women who did this. Not sure how (thank God I don't know) but she is trying to make it work. Easy-no, but not my place to judge.
I honestly believe that most divorce occurs because people have fairy-tale visions of marriage. They believe that LOVE will find a way and LOVE will pull them through any situation. While LOVE is the building block for marriage it is not all you need. If all you needed was LOVE we would all have married that boy we thought we loved at 14 years old and everyone would be happy. I think people do not understand the huge committment that marriage is. Financial stress also puts a huge strain on many couples. Even a sick child (I mean really sick) puts a huge strain on a marriage. Most couples of missing children divorce because of the stress and heartache.
Too often people want 'out' at the first sign of trouble. Marriage means holding on and trying to figure the problems out together.
Everyone has arguements, but those that 'hold' onto the arguements inside their hearts do not leave much room for love. When couples use 'blame' and 'guilt' to attact their partner it is hard to make a marriage work.
Also, not all long term marriages are happy-ones. Just because of couple stays together for 50 years doesn't mean the marriage worked. I hope that Scott and I have a HAPPY marriage measured by love and respect, not just years. I also believe that not all marriages are meant to last forever. Sometimes there is a point where 2 people must let go and move-on. Sad but true.

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Infidelity and abuse!! There is no way I could deal with that and having been cheated on by a past boyfriend, and knowing how much it hurts, there is NO WAY I could tolerate that from a husband!!!! I told Joe that if he ever cheated or hit me, his a$$ is out the door! And he totally agreed with me and he also said he would never do either of those things! Being raised by 2 women, I think makes him have more respect towards women and I see how much he cares about and treats his mother and grandmother and it totally reflects on how he cares for/about me!!

I hope nobody here ever has to experience any of the above!!!

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Abuse and if he cheated on me.

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

I think lack of adaptabilty and character.... When I got engaged, My FI's mother took me aside and gave me great advice--- she said 'In a Marriage, you both have to give 60%.... Not 50%'.... She also said sometimes you have to, excuse the expression please, eat s--t and like it! We each eat our pieces of humble pie and occasionally apologize, but we also set up this system where if one of us is in a bad mood or had a horrible day- I will start off the night- saying 'Listen- I had a real bad day so cut me a little extra slack if I am not really loving or myself tonight.'. That way he knows it's me and not him...

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

I could never trust someone if they cheated on me!!!

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Yeah, I don't think there is one answer for this at all. You may be able to forgive if he cheated on you, you may not. You may stick around if he abused, you may not. It all depends on the certain person's frame of mind. My SIL had her husband cheat and they are nearing a divorce but not there yet. My brother and SIL got divorced but he doesn't know exactly what happened. I can say that Gary's family has a lot more divorce than mine but not until my brother got divorced I thought wow, it hit home that this could happen to anyone. And that marriage isn't this till death do you part all the time like some fairytale!!

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

The ideal would be to be able to work through things and get past it, but everyone has a tolerance and everyone knows what they can take and what they cannot. I know I cannot take infidelity, no amount of years will help me accept that.

Michelle I agree with you 100% when you say years does not mean happiness and some people's idea or marriage is a fairytale and as soon as hard time hits, they want out. I am not looking to divorce my husband at the drop of a hat, I am willing to work through things with him. But I have to draw the line somewhere. Love or no love, years or no years

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Hey!!!!

I am sneaking on here. I have to say you women are so wise!!!!!

Michele, I am going to print and save your post.
You nailed it.

I will add what I think are some contributing factors:

Lack of commitment to the relationship and also lack of communication. Money or rather lack of money also can put a strain on a relationship.

I am going to start coming here more often just to hear you guys words of wisdom.

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

I agree with you guys ... especially Bearsbabe. I couldn't forgive Rob if he cheated on me. But like Michele says, you do not know until you are in the situation. I would rather him tell me, like Shamma said, versus cheating on me!
I also wouldn't take abuse ... verbal or physical. If we just fell out of love and are not happy (I couldn't imagine) ... but before making it grounds for divorce, I hope we would try to work it out through counseling, talking, inviting romance back, whatever. I am not a believer in divorce ... he is not as well. However, he comes for a very divorced family ... his parents and sisters where my family is for the most part, all still together.
Marriage is not easy and divorce comes easy to those that give up to fast. I vowed that I would not give up on my husband .. I love him more and more each day. But we do not know what the future holds, how our life will be affected by kids, money, stress. If we respect our relationship, are true to each other, and ourseleves, I think and hope we'll 'live happily ever after'.

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

michelle, your answer is perfect....i have seen my parents go through so many hardships in their 30 years together....they were almost divorced plenty of times, but they always worked at it...they took their vows very seriously....as a result, i think at this point they are happier then when they were newly married...

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Funny this came up over the holidays....

We were having an argument over something, of course trivial, and I said, 'well if you want to live your own life without me involved, then pack up and get the H%LL outta here!!'

Hmmm I was boiling. But his response? He chuckled and said 'Yeah right, Baby I'm not goin' anywhere!! You can't get rid of me so easy'! Fight was over.

But we continued to discuss things and reiterated what we both already knew before getting married, that we both are very much against divorce. Its so not a part of our family lives, no one close to us has ever been divorced. and feel that we have the groundwork laid for a long term forever commitment. Bumps in the road won't change that.

I'm also not naive and realize that anything can happen to anyone so regarding, infidelity or abuse, well I guess we'd just have to deal with that if it ever came into our relationship (knocking wood!)

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Abuse and infidelity. Once the trust is gone, I dont let someone come back.

Re: 1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

My sister separated 6 months ago for a combination of the image of a fairy-tale marriage like Michele said, and because of abuse.

2 more reasons not mentioned above

My DH was married before and left his ex-wife because she was severely mentally ill and would not get help. He stayed with her for 8 years, most of which she was sick, and he tried really hard to help her. It was a very difficult decision for him, he doesn't believe in divorce, and took the vows 'in sickness and in health', but he finally left her.

My parents divorced b/c they had an arranged marriage in India-my mom was not even 18 when she got married, moved to the US, gained her independence and realized that she had the freedom to leave my father (who wasn't the best husband and they were not compatible).