My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

This time, she went too far. Currently we have 156 people on our guest list. Approximately 90 of those are our family and her large group of friends (dads poker buds, mom’s mah jong friends). My FI is not close with his dad, but his dad called us and asked if we would invite his two brothers and one sister (6 total, with guests) to the wedding and told us he would make a “financial contribution” to the wedding. I called my mom to speak to her about it, as she has become a total dictator regarding my wedding (she is paying) and she told me absolutely not. The final count is done (wedding is in July) and there will be no additions regardless of the fact that my FFIL is paying for his people. She told me that FI has already invite 55 people and that he only gets 1/3 of the list and no more. She started screaming about what an a$$hole my FI is and how he “has a lot of nerve” ... “taking advantage of her guest list”. Oh and that she will not have an “Irish wedding” (FI is Irish and I am Jewish) and that is that. She told me she won’t give me the wedding that she doesn’t care about me and that she would just as soon “have me out of her life” and she called FI one bad thing after the next. I can’t take this. I had to take sleeping pills to calm me down, my eyes and nose are swollen from crying, I am so miserable I don’t know what to do. FI and I have spoken and he wants me to dismiss my mom from my life and we will go into some debt with the wedding but we will invite who we want and it won’t cause us to fight. I don’t know what to do. Please tell me this is feasible.... catering hall has minimum of 75 people. 100 pp +tax and gratuity. Photographer is 3500 and band is 6000. My dress is 1600, HM is 7300. If we limit our list to approx. 90, can we do this? His dad said he would contribute between 8-10k possibly, although I am not soo comfortable with that. We need flowers and invites. I have 10k in savings and he as approx. 10k in savings. Can we do this? Help me, please. Also give hugs. Thanks so much.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I think you can absolutely do this... I know you don't want to go into debt to have your wedding, but with your FFIL's contributions and what you have in savings, it's absolutely possible. And there's a good chance you can make it up in wedding gifts or come close. We just about broke even with our gifts.

The stress your mother is putting on you is unacceptable, the time leading up to your wedding is supposed to be enjoyable (yes a little stressful, but not like this)

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

Wow - what the f*** is wrong with your mom? Has she always been like this? I feel terrible for you! If FH's dad is willing to chip in, let him, unless you guys feel like you will then owe him something. My friend and her FH are paying for their wedding on their own and they didn't really have a savings to begin with. So I think you & FH can definitely pay for it on your own. Are you hell bent on having a band...if not, a dj would cost ALOT less. Do you thinks it's feasible to get the list down to 90 people?

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Lots of hugs being sent your way!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I understand what you are going through. Weddings have been bringing out the worst in my family too and I have spent some nights crying (and I just got engaged 4 weeks ago!) I think it is just the stress and pressure that gets to people. I think you should take a breather and approach your mother on another day when things calm down a bit. She shouldn't have a problem if your FFIL is paying for the extra guests he wants to invite but maybe she was thrown off when you asked her and her knee jerk reaction was to freak out...hopefully she will change her mind. Good luck to you!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

You can do whatever you want!!!!! Anything is possible, but as far as your mother is concerned, I'm at a loss for words. It sounds like she wants to have all the control because she's footing the bill, without having a care about others, especially on your FI side. This is a spiteful act. All I can say is that I'm glad we decided to do things on our own for arguments sake. Many girls have complained here about medling parents and such because their paying. If it means that you drain savings for the sake of happiness, I would do it. Money has NO monitary value on your happiness. Good Luck.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

You can do it, but I'd rather not see you lose all your savings over this. The flowers and invites can be done inexpensively. If you forego table flowers, you can save even more.

Your Mom has a lot of Chutzpah, that's for sure. I had a similar problem with my mom for the first week or so of engagement (although nowhere NEAR as bad as yours is). I sat down on the phone with my parents (they were in CT, I was on LI) and I told them that Adam and I were perfectly happy to postpone our wedding as long as necessary to save up for it, and that they wouldn't need to pay for anything at all. It was then that they decided to compromise, and then I proceeded to plan the whole thing myself.

I don't know that that would work on your Mom, though. She seems to be pretty upset about your choice to marry a non-Jew. However, I don't even know that she'd be any easier to deal with if you were marrying Schlomo Lipschultz.

What about your Dad? Can he be reasoned with? Can you change your honeymoon plans (because that's gonna be the worst expense)? I think you should accept your FFIL's contribution. It's not like you asked, he offered, and you do need the help. Maybe this is an opportunity for your FH to become closer to his Dad.

ETD: I didn't notice the band part - DEFINITELY change that to a DJ. I think it's absolutely feasable for you to get your guest list down once you cut out all the Mah Jongg Mavens and Poker Buddies!!!!!!!!!!!! If I were in your position, I'd cut all your parents' friends from the list, only invite the family *you* want to invite, and tell them all sorry, but your mother isn't helping with the wedding costs and so you had to cut the list.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

This is a really tough one and I feel so sorry for you.

First off.....

However, I wouldn't blow all your savings on the wedding only because there is life after that one day. If you can create a budget that would not blow your savings especially that you wouldn't be getting help from your family, and have a 90-person wedding minus the 6,000 band and all other extravagance, I think you can definitely pull it off.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I just feel for you

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

Wow! I’m really sorry to hear that! your mom needs to get a GRIP! This is not her wedding. and if your FFIL is offering pay, she has NO RIGHT to say no.

You need to sit down and talk to her calmly. But before that, you need to make some decisions with your FH. If you both agree on it, tell her she can take “HER” wedding and shove it where the sun don’t shine. But you have to promise us that you will take a picture of her reaction and post it!



ETA: the Swan Club has lower minimums than 75. If you would like to FM me, feel free!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I'm so sorry! I know you've been having a lot of problems with your mom and I feel for you. I've had big problems with my mom, too. Doesn't your mom realize that she has to invite FH's aunt and uncles because they are family and they come before her friends? Personally, my FH and I have very little money since we are both grad students and couldn't afford a wedding on our own. If I were in your position, I would accept your FH's dad's contribution and then say to your mom that he can ivite who he wants because he's paying and that's final. You can't fight every battle, but inviting who you want to YOUR wedding is a battle you must win. You need to stand up to your mom about this. It might mean being on your own and paying for your wedding, but I would try taking FFIL's contribution first and seeing what your mom says. I'm sure your mom does want to be a part of your wedding deep down, and maybe she just can't express herself. This way, you may not have to do anything drastic. You don't need that stress when you wedding is 6 months away.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

Mom, is taking over, in all fairness, you to let her know FFIL is entitled to invite who he wants besides he's paying fo rthem so I dont see why not.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I am sorry..
I think you can do this and I think it will be a lot more rewarding for you, both. You do not want your mom to always throw it back in your face. You and FI plan if she wants to contribute to YOUR planning then she can, but it is YOUR day, not HERS!

good luck!!!! it will work out in the end!!! Moms just love to cause drama, but in the end they usually come around!

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

wow! your mom has a lot of nerve! shes turning what should be a fun, eciting time for everyone into a huge argument....but, like others said.. it was probably her knee jerk reaction, and when she calms down, she might come to her senses......i would try to talk to her on another day after shes calmed down...
i think you can definitely do this on your own-- but DON'T USE ALL YOUR SAVINGS for a one day party... that would be crazy. just cut down a little bit. like others said, change the band to a DJ- that will save AT LEAST $5000 right there. and DJs are just as fun... also, look up ideas for non-flower centerpeices ( there are beautiful things you can do with candles!) invitations you can make yourself, or order online- i got 100 invites, envelopes, reception cards AND response cards and envelopes for about $200.. not bad at all- and they were beautiful. most people don't save the invites anyway.
and if your are paying for it yourselves, you can cut all of your parents friends out, and definitely bring the guest list down...
so, i would talk to your mom and let her know that you dont' appreciate her attitude and that you and FI are prepared to pay for the wedding yourselves who knows... this might bring her around.... good luck and

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

Just because your mom is paying for a large chunk of the wedding, doesn't mean that you and FI should not have any input. And I think it is MORE than reasonable to add the extra guests if FFIL is willing to pay for them. And it isn't like he is asking to add 25 people.

I think you need to rethink your wedding. They are ways to 'cut corners' and still have it be a lovely day. Can you go with a DJ instead of a band? You'd save a bunch there. Are you artisitic? Could you buy the flowers wholesale and put the bouquets, corsages, and bouts together? (It's not that hard--I did it myself). Have you bought the dress already? Could you look for a better deal?

I think if you could scale back on some things, you could definitely pull it off. But I would hate to see you in debt (or use up all your savings) for it.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

Oh wow, first off, I am so sorry that your Mom is treating you this way! That just blows my mind that she can talk to you in such a manner! Second, yes, you can absolutely do it. The wedding becomes the gift that you give each other and it becomes the wedding that you both want surrounded by the people you want there. This may be jsut another way your Mom is trying to control your life and that is just not fair. I am so sorry that all of this is happening

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

and FM

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

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Posted by FallBride05



I think you can absolutely do this... I know you don't want to go into debt to have your wedding, but with your FFIL's contributions and what you have in savings, it's absolutely possible. And there's a good chance you can make it up in wedding gifts or come close. We just about broke even with our gifts.

The stress your mother is putting on you is unacceptable, the time leading up to your wedding is supposed to be enjoyable (yes a little stressful, but not like this)

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I agree!...............

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

I'm so sorry to hear that, I really can over you nothing but 's. I know this is tough and I would recommend that you find a way to do it. You do not need the stress, Remember the wedding is about you and your FH ultimately and not about what your mom wants. I'm also very sorry to hear she is so against an Irish wedding I for one can tell you they are a whole lot of fun.

Re: My mom has done it this time -- need lots of hugs.

Just some s cause it sounds like you REALLY need them.