Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

But I really do need input!

I’m not going to bore you with details, but I should preface this by saying that I have a “friend” that I have known since we were in the 6th grade. She moved down to GA in October of ’04. When she got married I was her MOH and did everything I could for her, not just for her wedding, I was a VERY good friend to her for many years.

Before I got engaged she would constantly tell me how she can’t wait for me to get married and that she will be at my wedding no matter what. Well fast forward to present day and she did not come to my wedding. And her excuse was IMO, LAME!

I also want to add that this “friend” is a real downer. Everything bad in the world happens to her and her family. It is a never ending tale of “poor me”, “poor us”. She never calls me with any good news, ever. She is always complaining that she or someone in her family is sick. After years and YEARS of hearing this constantly I am so fed up! I really don’t want anything to do with her anymore and I don’t know how to go about severing ties.

Any advice?

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

I would just stop emailing or calling her. You'll start talking less and less and pretty soon you wont talk at all.

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by N.Y.bride

I would just stop emailing or calling her. You'll start talking less and less and pretty soon you wont talk at all.

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been there already. I never call her. she complained about that to me a few times recently and I just brushed it off as being too busy. she is definitely not the kind of person to take a hint.

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

hmmm I don't know.. Id just never ever contact her.. Maybe if you see her # on caller ID don't answer.. I hate to say it but I did this to my cousin when she failed to come to my wedding. She calls occasionally but rarely. I know its a terrible feeling :( I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by N.Y.bride

hmmm I don't know.. Id just never ever contact her.. Maybe if you see her # on caller ID don't answer.. I hate to say it but I did this to my cousin when she failed to come to my wedding. She calls occasionally but rarely. I know its a terrible feeling :( I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

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thanks Amy

it really does stink! and what bothers me the most is that I LOVE her family (parents and sisters), who still live in NY. her mom and sister were at my wedding and I loved having them there!

really tough situation

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

I know it would be hard to do face to face or even over the phone so...... Since she obviously can't take a hint, just send her a letter. Don't make it email. Although you want to make the point, you don't want to do it via email... way too impersonal! You don't want to come out looking like the bad guy here.

I have a friend who whenever we talked on the phone two minutes in she would be like oh i have another call, i'll call you back during the week. Well thankfully I never waited for the call and never bothered to call back because it would be months before she would call again. Unfortunately my mom threw me a surprise party and invited her!!! That was a rough one!

Hang in there.... it will get easier.

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

I had something similar happen to me with my wedding. This was a friend that I had for 16 years. She was was adopted into a VERY disfunctional family. I was always there for her to listen to all her problems and always there as a friend. My friend lived in NC and all she had to do was tell me she could not come. I would have been disappointed, but got over it. Well... she responded she was coming with her husband and called me three days before my wedding coughing saying she was sick. How did she know she would be sick still in three days? I lost money for the plates and when she called, I was on my way out the door with a list of ten things to do three days before my wedding. After my honeymoon, we emailed a few times and she came out and admitted she lied and said that she went camping with her husband and her inlaws (who she absoultely can't stand.) I would have traveled anywhere for her wedding. Her wedding was here when she lived here. I decided it was not a friendship worth having anymore. She has contacted me several times, but I have not responded.

I guess it is up to you if you how valuable the friendship is to you. For me, I realized that after I ended the friendship, I felt like I lost nothing. It was just the thing for me to do. Only you know if it is still worth it for you.

Sorry this happened to you.

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

I had a friend from college like this..granted we weren't friends as long as you and your friend but we had become very close friends.

She was such a downer...that I couldn't even stand to take her calls anymore. (she lives in CT)

We stopped being friends because she came down to LI from CT because she claimed that she had signed a contract with a modeling agency...well when she got there...the address didn't exist..(shocker!!) So she calls me at 9:00am to see if I can come meet her and I said no....well that was the last time we ever spoke!

I am glad that this toxic person is out of my life...she was always complaining and there was always some stupid drama in her life!

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by Cindy

After my honeymoon, we emailed a few times and she came out and admitted she lied and said that she went camping with her husband and her inlaws (who she absoultely can't stand.) I would have traveled anywhere for her wedding. Her wedding was here when she lived here. I decided it was not a friendship worth having anymore. She has contacted me several times, but I have not responded.

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OMG!!!!!!!!!!! the nerve of HER! I would have told her that she owes you x amount of $ for her plate! that is heinous! good riddance to her!

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by dleeny

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Posted by Cindy

After my honeymoon, we emailed a few times and she came out and admitted she lied and said that she went camping with her husband and her inlaws (who she absoultely can't stand.) I would have traveled anywhere for her wedding. Her wedding was here when she lived here. I decided it was not a friendship worth having anymore. She has contacted me several times, but I have not responded.

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OMG!!!!!!!!!!! the nerve of HER! I would have told her that she owes you x amount of $ for her plate! that is heinous! good riddance to her!

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On top of everything, all she kept saying was that she spent $200 on each of their airline tickets and she will lose the $$ on them, which we all know you can use at some other time. It really was selfish and I just felt that if she wasn't there for my day, when would she ever be there? I just couldn't bring myself to contintue the friendship when she only added to the last minute wedding planning stress for me.

I think weddings make you see that some people really aren't that person you thought they were in your life and others surprise you at how true of a friend they are.

I am sure you will figure out whether this is a friendship worth saving. Good luck with your decision.

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

My advice would be that the next time she calls and starts her 'tale of woe' ask her if anything good is going on in her life. Then tell her that you love her very much but she's going to need to call you with some good news every once in awhile.
You could also try calling her and giving her an earful of what's not great in your life at the moment. She may not like that very much.

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by wematched

You could also try calling her and giving her an earful of what's not great in your life at the moment. She may not like that very much.

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DH and I are still in newlywed happiness mode and hope to stay there for a while I'm glad I don't have anything bad to report. Unlike her, we actually LIKE to be happy and are optimistic people in general.

it's almost as though she WANTS pity and only focuses on the negatives in life

I can't stand people who are constant downers!!!

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by dleeny

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Posted by wematched

You could also try calling her and giving her an earful of what's not great in your life at the moment. She may not like that very much.

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DH and I are still in newlywed happiness mode and hope to stay there for a while I'm glad I don't have anything bad to report. Unlike her, we actually LIKE to be happy and are optimistic people in general.

it's almost as though she WANTS pity and only focuses on the negatives in life

I can't stand people who are constant downers!!!

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Does she ask you about your life and what you're up to?

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by wematched

Does she ask you about your life and what you're up to?

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yes, she does. but not before I have to listen to her endless tales of woe!

Re: Not an easy thing to ask advice on...

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Posted by dleeny

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Posted by wematched

Does she ask you about your life and what you're up to?

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yes, she does. but not before I have to listen to her endless tales of woe!

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I'm guessing that you still want a relationship with her mother and sister? If so, there may not be much that you can do other than avoid her.
Just remember you can't change someone else's behavior, just your own. That was why I originally suggested telling her that she needs to call you with good news every once in awhile.