I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

My Mom just decided TODAY that she was getting married (my wedding is in 47 days). She has been with her boyfriend for 6 years. I dont know why she chose NOW to do this. First she said they would marry in 2 wks, during the middle of the wk at town hall (she lives in VA)...I cant be there - I dont have the time off right now. Then she said maybe she will get married in December - I'll be on my honeymoon and still not have the days to take off to fly to VA for a wedding. Not to mention the money. THEN she tells me that maybe she will get married 'quickly' right BEFORE or right AFTER my ceremony at MY church on MY wedding day. WTH???!!!

I'm really not a Bridezilla, but this is REALLY upsetting me. How could she do this to me just weeks before my wedding? I don't understand...

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

How sad! Did you tell her how you feel? Why can't they wait until January or something? How odd that after so long she feels the need to get married immediately!

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

When did she tell you? Maybe she is overly excited right now and not thinking rationally? Try to call her tonight and explain how you feel. Tell her you want to be at her wedding so could she wait until January? Explain that you want her with you while you get ready for your wedding so you don't want her to be busy with her 'quick' wedding the same day. Explain that you both deserve the spotlight and doing it on separate days will allow you both to have your days. I hope it goes well...

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

wow I thought my friends predicament was bad....

I don't know what to say but to talk to her, if you think you can. Perhaps if you guys worked things out it would be a really nice thing to do it the same day as eachother. And then maybe she could help pay for some if it :)

I guess another option is to talk to her calmly and find out why this is so important to her right now. Maybe if you guys talk about it (after you have cooled down a bit) things will start to fall into place.

What I have found best is when you don't like an idea, try to find out what it is they really want and come up with an alternate suggestion that makes both of you happy.

Good luck

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

She emailed me this morning at work. She live in VA so we talk via Email a lot and not the phone. I feel bad asking her to wait but at the same time I can't believe she would do this... Maybe Im being a baby but I wanted this day to be about me...not have a joint wedding with my Mom.

Sometimes I think she has no clue.

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

What is WRONG with people???

Did you tell her how you felt? No, this has nothing to do with 'bridezilla' - that's insane.

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

This seems like a really bizarre thing for a mom to do. I would think most moms would 'protect' their daughter's day and would never want anyone to take the spotlight. There must be more to this.

Why can't she wait until after you are married a few months? This seems very strange. You have every right to be upset. Can you talk to her? Do you have another family member that is close to both of you that can intervene on your behalf?

I strongly suspect that something is up. There must be more to this. How was your mom's first weddding? Could she be jealous?

Please keep us posted.

I hope all of this gets resolved in your favor. So not fair.

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

Oh, I understand. Here's what I think - The wedding of a child makes a parent INSANE.

Actually, this is what I think - JMO. I think your mom is either thinking (a) My child will be a married woman soon, and she is moving on in her life, so maybe I should move on my own, (b) I need a title to identify myself with, since my own identity is not enough, and if I can't be 'Mom,' I'll be 'Wife'; (c) I want my BF to have a place of honor at my daughter's wedding, and he will if he is my official spouse and not just my BF, (d) I want validation that my own love life is going ok, b/c I'm insecure about it, or (e) Can't have enough happiness in life - why not double it and won't everyone be just more happy? or some combo of the above.

In any case, her motives are irrelevant. I would tell her, (gently, kindly), that you are very happy for her and BF, and would love to share in her joy as much as possible, but as she knows, getting married is such a huge committment that you and your FH are your focus right now, and as much as you would love to be there 100% for her, you need to take care of you and FH. Then, let her choose. You and your FH are your top priority now, and mom will have to wait if she wants you to share in her joy as she is sharing in yours. Honestly, I think her timing is not so good, but your mom is probably dealing with a ton of emotions, good and bad, as are you. So, try to be understanding, but let her go. You family is your family, and they are no better behaved just because you're getting married. I wish they were - for all of us!

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

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Posted by stacy&joe

Oh, I understand. Here's what I think - The wedding of a child makes a parent INSANE.

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Oh I agree 100%! My Mom and I havent been that close since I was young (long story but she wasnt around and my Dad raised me alone pretty much from 7 years old and on) ANyway, she has been seeimgly 'into' and excited about my wedding. She also became very religious recently and feels that she is living in sin with her boyfriend. While I am happy for her that she has found reliogions and it makes her happy...it still doesnt make it any easier to swallow. I mean, if they've been living in sin for 6 years, what is the big deal if they live in sin for a few more weeks?

Ugh...I'm just so tired of the drama...Im so wiped out I am going to tell her that I really wish/hope she will wait til after my wedding. I know it was a big deal to her too that she was listed on the wedding program as married...and she wont be if she doesnt get married before my wedding - but this is my big day...she is too worried about what other people think. Oh...did I mention that this will be her THIRD marriage...I mean, cant she just let me have my ONE wedding before her 3rd? She got to do this 2 times already - isn't it my turn?

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

yes, it is your turn. I tried to understand her thinking but I dont. I think its a little selfish of her, as Im sure you feel as well. I would TELL her. Dont wait. Try and avoid future hurt feelings. Tell her how excited you are about her getting married, that way she knows its not all about you and then explain that you've prepared this big wedding and want to feel like its just YOUR day. Plus tell her how much you want to be there and couldnt she wait till its a possibility. If she doesnt, then just take it in stride. Dont let it ruin your day. I would not let her get married on your day or at your church though, thats a little strange.

Hang in there!

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

Oh, honey. You need to tell her this is not appropriate and if it was really that pressing that she marry before you, then she should have done it much sooner. Do not ask her to wait, tell her to wait. If you don't assert how you are feeling and she senses you are wishy washy about it, she will go ahead and do what she wants. What does your father say about this? And do you have siblings? What do they say? If it does not work when you talk to her, maybe have another family member give her a call and tell her that the rest of the family also finds this inappropriate. She is too concerned about herself and she needs to get over it. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but this is ridiculous, rude, childish, selfish, need I go on? Hang in there. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this right now

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

Yuck - what a dilemma.

Here's a suggestion - since she doesn't want to be living in 'sin' and wants to be listed as married in the program, what if she and her FH have a civil ceremony Now, and then have a reception/party sometime After your wedding. This way, she will be married, but won't have to rush the whole planning process, and won't have to take any attention away from your day. Would she go for something like that? Would that be a happy compromise for you?

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

Wow, JVS, what a great solution!

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long) - updated!

This is what I said to my Mom (I sent her an email):
Ive been thinking about it and I really wish you could wait to get married until after my wedding. I'm a little upset about this all right now. I've been planning my wedding for 13 months, its coming up in 47 days and I am hurt that you would do this before my wedding. On top of that, doing it at a time when I am unable to even attend.
It's your decision, what ever you want to do, but this is how I feel.

She wrote back to me and said she was sorry and didn't want to upset me and that I should go and plan my day and not worry about her wedding, etc. Then she said she thought I would think it was a 'neat' idea to get married the same day as her. Not so much!!!

Thank you all SO SO much for your advice. If she pushes the wedding issue again I will suggest the civil ceremony to her, but I think she woke up and realized that she was being selfish and it wasnt right to do that to me...so i think she'll wait til after my wedding to get married...I hope so at least!! But still...

Kathy

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

Well her response sounds somewhat promising. I'm sure she realized that wasn;t fair to you.

Good luck!

Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

Good Luck with your Mom. I do LOVE this solution if you need to suggest it:

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Posted by jvs77

Yuck - what a dilemma.

Here's a suggestion - since she doesn't want to be living in 'sin' and wants to be listed as married in the program, what if she and her FH have a civil ceremony Now, and then have a reception/party sometime After your wedding. This way, she will be married, but won't have to rush the whole planning process, and won't have to take any attention away from your day. Would she go for something like that? Would that be a happy compromise for you?

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Re: I don't know what to do - really upset....(kinda long)

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Posted by kelleherkm

She emailed me this morning at work. She live in VA so we talk via Email a lot and not the phone. I feel bad asking her to wait but at the same time I can't believe she would do this... Maybe Im being a baby but I wanted this day to be about me...not have a joint wedding with my Mom.

Sometimes I think she has no clue.

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I don't think you should feel bad to tell her to wait. Not at all! You planned your wedding, gone through all the frustrating things of having a wedding, and you deserve to have a nice, stressfree rest of the wedding planning!
Let her now, that she should plan for a wedding, hers too, and not just do it sporadically. Ask her to wait until after the honeymoon, and than maybe, after the citihall marriage, the families can go out and celebrate. Maybe she would like that?

It seems like she is making a hasty decision; maybe there is a reason for it?